I remember my movie going experience with this and it didn’t help. It was 100 degrees outside and the theater was sub zero temperatures.
This could have easily been great. Same actors. Same Director. But what we got was just Indiana Jones in the most ridiculous circumstances for two hours.
The first five minutes we get Indiana Jones surviving a nuclear blast by hiding in a fucking refrigerator. It only goes straight down from there. Like your mother on prom night.
Instead of Germans in this we get Russians. Spielberg said he was tired of doing Germans. Which I understand. But motherfucker you made Schindlers List! You’re a Jewish director! If it was me Harrison Ford would have been drop kicking Nazi’s off the Empire State Building into vats of boiling oil. Instead we get Cate Blanchett as Irina Potato Vodka. She might as well have been Natasha from Rocky And Bullwinkle
Shia Leboeuf’s weird goofy ass is in this too. Remember when he went crazy? I’m pretty sure it was from being in this movie. We also find out he’s Indy’s son in this. PLOT TWIST.
Karen Allen returns too. She was one of my first crushes when I was a wee little Johnling.
You want some weird Peruvian ninja savage people? No you don’t. Nobody does. Not in an Indiana Jones movie. How about a plot involving aliens? If Indiana Jones piloted the space ship at the end of this I wouldn’t have been surprised.
It’s hard to even put my disappointment into words here. I’m trying people.
It wasn’t even a polarizing movie experience. We all came out like holy shit just take my eyes right now. I’m done.
In every Indiana Jones movie the villains get the worst deaths imaginable.
Raiders Of The Lost Ark the guys face literally melted off, they didn’t hide that shit. Full face melt on screen.
Temple Of Doom Mola Ram is eaten alive by fucking alligators
Last Crusade Walter Donovan drinks from the wrong cup and ages two hundred years in three seconds.
Crystal Skull… Girl screams and disappears. Oh heavens, I have died. Oh no.
John Of The Living Dead 