Titanic

A well directed piece of shit. But a piece of shit regardless. This movie was inescapable from 1997 to 2010. INESCAPABLE.

I’m pretty sure theaters are still playing it. You would go to see another movie and this movie would just randomly start playing. Or you would hear the theme song just blasting through the theater walls. Trucks would just drive around the streets playing this movie on big screens.

People would stand on top of their cakes at weddings and re-enact the king of the world scene. People died doing the king of the world scene. Generations of children were born because of random car sex after this movie.

This movie made me hate Leonardo DiCaprio for a long time. I don’t anymore. Kate Winslet is always an absolute delight though. Five bags of dicks for Kate Winslet.

This is another movie where the theme song was played absolutely everywhere. You would open your wallet and Celine Dion would just start singing. I don’t blame her though she didn’t know the song would become America’s new national anthem for the next ten years.

Also jack would have easily fit on that piece of wood. It was both large enough and Buoyant enough. Fuck your jewelry.

If you want to watch a good titanic movie watch Thumbtanic it is infinitely better.

Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull

I remember my movie going experience with this and it didn’t help. It was 100 degrees outside and the theater was sub zero temperatures.

This could have easily been great. Same actors. Same Director. But what we got was just Indiana Jones in the most ridiculous circumstances for two hours.

The first five minutes we get Indiana Jones surviving a nuclear blast by hiding in a fucking refrigerator. It only goes straight down from there. Like your mother on prom night.

Instead of Germans in this we get Russians. Spielberg said he was tired of doing Germans. Which I understand. But motherfucker you made Schindlers List! You’re a Jewish director! If it was me Harrison Ford would have been drop kicking Nazi’s off the Empire State Building into vats of boiling oil. Instead we get Cate Blanchett as Irina Potato Vodka. She might as well have been Natasha from Rocky And Bullwinkle

Shia Leboeuf’s weird goofy ass is in this too. Remember when he went crazy? I’m pretty sure it was from being in this movie. We also find out he’s Indy’s son in this. PLOT TWIST.

Karen Allen returns too. She was one of my first crushes when I was a wee little Johnling.

You want some weird Peruvian ninja savage people? No you don’t. Nobody does. Not in an Indiana Jones movie. How about a plot involving aliens? If Indiana Jones piloted the space ship at the end of this I wouldn’t have been surprised.

It’s hard to even put my disappointment into words here. I’m trying people.

It wasn’t even a polarizing movie experience. We all came out like holy shit just take my eyes right now. I’m done.

In every Indiana Jones movie the villains get the worst deaths imaginable.

Raiders Of The Lost Ark the guys face literally melted off, they didn’t hide that shit. Full face melt on screen.

Temple Of Doom Mola Ram is eaten alive by fucking alligators

Last Crusade Walter Donovan drinks from the wrong cup and ages two hundred years in three seconds.

Crystal Skull… Girl screams and disappears. Oh heavens, I have died. Oh no.

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

So this is number five of these movies. Five movies and we haven’t learned dinosaurs will kill you. They will kill you a lot. Jurassic World was bad. But not horribly bad like chocolate chips in oatmeal cookies. More bad like your aunt that would buy you those clothes for your birthday that you would never wear, ever. Well not Fallen Kingdom. Fallen Kingdom is a nightmare In horribly executed movie making and how not to do nostalgia.

The first five minutes of this took me right out of this shit. These assholes return to the island from the previous movie to steal a bone fragment of the Indomminus Rex.

That’s the dinosaur from part one that they genetically created. So this thing is in the water after the giant whatever the fuck water dinosaur dragged it to its death. They plan to clone this bitch and sell it I guess. Fuck I don’t even remember. So they’re doing this illegally like always. Anyway these two guys are in a sub looking for the bones, they find it. There’s also a guy on the mainland just doing whatever.

Alright here we go. This is only a month after the first one, or around that time period. They return to this island before checking for any signs of life. Doing any kind of research. Nothing. Expecting all the dinosaurs to be dead. Like you haven’t learned from the first four fucking movies the dinosaurs are going to live. They’re going to live through anything. They’re not only going to live. They will set up their own stores. Sell merch, groceries, become lawyers, reproduce, fucking everything. The dinosaurs will not die. But I guess that’s the point of these movies, people don’t learn. I fucking get it we proved that in the first four movies I don’t need to learn that again. Get a new angle.

So of course the giant dinosaur under the water is alive and kills these sub men. Also the dinosaurs on land are still alive. They get the bone fragment I don’t even remember how. I don’t care anymore. It happened, they got it. I’m not rewatching this.

Then we learn that this island is about to blow. There’s a volcano and it fucking hates this island. We see Bryce Dallas Howard who is just eye stabbingly beautiful. How she came of out Ron Howard’s dick I have no idea. But god fucking bless you Ron Howard. She wants to go back to this island and save these dinosaurs. Good for her. I’m sure that will go well. She also has these two cronies in this movie, a guy and a girl. The girl is tolerable and has a purpose in the movie. The guy not so much. He sucks. He sucks a lot. He’s the computer nerd guy who has no business coming to the island and he’s just there for shit comic relief. He’s neither comical, nor relief, of anything. The girl however is some kind of doctor, a doctor of dinosaurical medicine. I made that up.

They need Chris Pratt too, because he was in the first one and he’s bankable. That’s a Hollywood word, look that shit up. It means bullshit. He doesn’t want to go because he’s building a house in Toledo or something. Bryce tries to get him back by telling him, Blue will die. Blue is the trained raptor from the first one. At first Christ Pratt is like oh well, fuck him. But he goes along of course anyway. Starlord Vs. The Dinosaurs part 2.

They get the funding to go back to this island with a team of assholes just like in part 2. The same. Exact. Shit. Shit goes sideways. They find out these other guys are corrupt. The volcano explodes. They make it off the island. But not before we get to vividly see dinosaurs jumping to their drowning death. And also being burned alive by hot magma.

Here’s some things I don’t want to see in movies:

Animals dying.

Ever.

Real or fictional.

Here’s some things I want to see in movies:

People dying.

Lots of them.

Just give me two hours of dinosaurs chewing on people. Slow, closeup, chewing. And screaming.

Did I say this movie is about ten hours long?

Oh I forgot to mention there’s another old guy in this that was friends with the first old guy in the original Jurassic Park. He has a giant mansion with a bat cave. We’ll get to that later. He also has a grand daughter. But she harbors a dark… secret… scary… the main villain is some business guy who works for the old guy who seems nice in the beginning, but turns.

Back on the mainland after all the shit goes wrong. We find out these guys are taking these dinosaurs to sell them and clone a few of them. DINO AUCTION!!

So this all takes place in this fucking old guys mansion without him knowing about it.

No kidding there’s a lab under this mansion. A LAB BIG ENOUGH TO HOLD LIKE 30 DINOSAURS. really? You didn’t hear this going on under your house? Didn’t notice giant excavating machines outside digging a Texas sized cave under your mansion? Oh what was that? Another earthquake? That was like the twelfth one today. Odd…

Jesus. Fucking. Christ.

They also made another hybrid dinosaur. He’s just this shitty looking raptor, has some spikes on him. He’s smart, wears glasses. Woopty.

Anyhoo. They try to stop this auction from happening. The other main bad guy in this is the guy who played Buffalo Bill in Silence Of The Lambs. He likes taking dinosaurs teeth whilst they’re still alive. He’ll get his…

A bunch of bullshit happens. The business guy kills the old guy because he finds out about the Dino Auction. We find out the grand daughter is a clone, or part dinosaur. Some shit. She’s not completely human. She’s a test tube baby. A Tubasaur…

Lots of dinosaur killing happens but it’s mostly shitty. There’s so much nostalgia in this movie that it’s fucking annoying, lots of copied scenes from the first ones. Call backs. The T-Rex in this is supposedly the same one from all the movies. Like I give a shit.

While watching this movie you know what’s going to happen already. Blue is going to fight the new hybrid raptor to save Chris Pratt’s bankable ass. And guess what. That happens. I just want to type Bryce Dallas Howard’s name again. Let’s all take a minute to think about Bryce Dallas Howard.

Ok. That felt good.

Bad military guy gets it in the end. The auction of course goes wrong but people actually buy dinosaurs so there’s some happy ass kid in Russia riding a Stegosaurus right now. The dinosaurs all stuck in this giant fucking lab get released into the wild by hybrid grand daughter. To mate. And kill, and get jobs working at Trader Joe’s because they only hire weirdos. We get Jeff Goldblum giving a speech at the end about how it’s a new world because we have to live with dinosaurs in actual life now. Not just on an island. Here comes a sequel!

Fuck that’s the end.

Bryce. Dallas. Howard.